A Holiday Vacation Story

by Matt

“Kids, get out and put chains on the tires.”

“But Dad!  It’s snowing!”

“Yes Kids.  That’s the point.  Now get out.”

As our kids get out of the car I turn to my legendary wife, who’s being incredibly solid in the passenger seat.  Our kids are arguing with each other, their faces are bitter and angry.  Swirling gusts of wind come up off the highway.

“Look at our little army” I say, and Mrs. Legend and I exchange smiles.

When we arrive, Mooney is standing in front of the lodge with her little puny, small-boned kids, who are already cowering behind Mooney.  She’s been at the lodge for an hour and is holding out her printed directions along with a thick binder that contains her itinerary for the weekend, coupons for every business within a 20 mile radius of the ski resort, as well as 50 pages of information she’s researched on the internet.

“Kids, go dominate Mooney’s kids.”  My kids start threatening and chasing around Mooney’s kids who shriek in terror.  Gina walks up.  Her kids are nowhere to be found.  I look around and see a little pink dot on the roof of the lodge.  It’s Gina’s little girl.  She’s walking precariously along the edge of the roof, holding out her little arm to get her balance on the chimney.  I realize her little boy is near when I hear the savage yell of a six year old.  He is carrying around a really sharp looking stick and apparently there is a family of squirrels that he’s attempting to stab.  It looks like his motive is to skin, cook, and eat the squirrels, and then use their fur to make a warm coat.  I’ve seen this before from him.  When he was 4.

We all walk in the lodge and up to the rooms where everyone is staying.  I knock on Room 1467 and Jeff answers.  He’s holding a ping pong ball that is dripping wet and the room smells stale with beer.  Sean is there and they have been playing one on one beer pong for over an hour.  Practicing.  Jeff’s kids are sitting at tables near the window.  They are wearing glasses and are even-mannered, looking up from their books only to reflect on what they’ve just read.  Sean’s kids are on the internet looking at Youtube videos of Stephon Marbury who now has his own syndicated internet T.V. show.

Just then Feingold shows up and we all decide to go skiing.  Feingold’s kids all have dreds, even his little girl, and they all have little pocket copies of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.  When we head out, my kids stop terrorizing Mooney’s kids for a moment, who are now crying hysterically and probably scarred for life.

We all head out.  Sean’s kids are checking their Blackberry’s, engrossed by the video games they are playing.  Gina’s kids have all climbed a nearby tree.  Mooney’s kids are clutching to Mooney’s side, choking back heaving sobs.  My kids are looking at them threateningly; walking a little slumped over because they’re carrying all the other kids’ bags.  Feingold’s kids are trying to prevent my kids from dropping all the bags and going after Mooney’s kids again, and when things seem calm, they start reading their FRCP’s.  Jeff’s kids are looking at the entire seen quizzically, not saying too much, but looking pretty happy to be out in the snow and on vacation.

In 24 hours we will be celebrating the end of our first round of finals.  We apologize for being MIA.  (Love ya, mom.) We hope this legendary picture of Matt on his 26th birthday will somewhat make up for the last couple of weeks.  If it makes you feel better, it’s been rough for us too.  But, we made it. It’s pretty much all rainbows and unicorns from here.

- Writing a list of things we’d rather be doing

- Working a job where all we have to say is “That will be $4.75. Drive around, please.”

-Watching a professor do mixed marshal arts on YouTube 37 times in a row

-Not feeling guilty for wasting 2 minutes brushing our teeth

-Learning how to disarm someone with a knife. By kicking him in the groin.

-Getting drunk and choreographing a dance.

-Reading a book that we don’t need a highlighter for.

-Speaking human.

-Coming up with nicknames for strangers.

-Getting blown off because we have the time to go on dates

-Breeding horses

-Responding to the question “What are you doing tonight?” with something other than a knowing smirk and the word “library”

-Updating our awesome blog

Checkout guy: “Yo, these are going to be some good keys. What are you gonna use these for?”

Matt: “Well, they’re an extra set–”

Checkout guy: ” You know what you could use these for? Like, if you’re taking a trip to Nebraska. And you lock your keys in your car.”

Matt: “Uh huh.  Yeh—”

Checkout guy: Or, you know, if you’re in Florida. Or if you go to Memphis, you might need keys. Or what if you’re in Alaska?”

Matt: “Yeah.  Always a good idea to have a spare set.”  Looks over at Gina.

Gina: Continues to stare unflinchingly at batteries.

Checkout guy: “You know when you might need keys? Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? One time I went to the Grand Canyon, and you definitely need keys there. I mean, if you lock them in your car.  Then you got an extra pair now.  Or what if you’re taking a trip to New Jersey?  You’re just driving to New Jersey, yup, you need keys.”

Matt: “Yeah, that’s a good idea–”

Gina: Tries very hard not to look at Matt.

Checkout guy: Begins to pull up his shirt for no apparent reason, revealing about twenty years of hard work sitting on the couch with the pork rinds and beer. “You could get one of those clips, like I got right here, it can just hold all your keys. Like, if you’re going to Botswania…”

Matt: Pays for keys as quickly as possible.  While walking out the door: “Ok.  Great.  Thanks.  See ya.”

Gina: Doesn’t even bother paying for batteries.

Checkout guy: “You have a nice day, now. Don’t lose those keys!”

Don’t get us wrong, this guy was jovial and friendly–definitely high on life.  And we’re into that.  But overzealous energy for a set of spare keys turns from uplifting to annoying very quickly.  And an exhaustive list of all the places and situations where a spare set of keys might come in handy was taking it a little too far.  Especially when we’re not going anywhere very far in the next, oh, 3 years.

Since then we’ve encountered a remarkable string of very odd retail store employees.  Whether we’re buying keys, cupcakes, fake blood or beer (you know, the staples), the overly enthused and oddly disposed teller has been a hallmark of our time in L.A.  On a beer run at Ralph’s, the checkout clerk spent a full 5 minutes trying to convince us to buy the bouncy ball that we had been playing with because it was “only $8″.  We were at the self-checkout station, so in order to pay we had to ask about 20 times for him to please take the eight dollar bouncy ball off our purchase.  It was like he was working on commission for all bouncy ball sales or something.

On Halloween, the owner of a costume store got visibly pissed when a customer told him she was just looking.  “Well, I can usually help. I can usually save some time. But, ok.  Ok!  Do whatever you want!” he replied.  Apparently Halloween sales have also been affected by the poor economy.

On a late-night run to Bristol Farms for any form of sugar or caffeine or cocaine that might make get a couple synapses firing, the checkout clerk got really into telling us what a idiot Patrick Swayze was for continuing to smoke, even though he had cancer.  Don’t bother asking us how it came up, because we don’t know, but while ringing up our purchase he was going on and on about how Patrick Swayze shouldn’t be smoking.  As we walked out of Bristol Farms under the electric eye, the doors slide open and Matt looked at Gina and said: “Didn’t Patrick Swayze die like two months ago?”

The great part about this is, every time we are a little in need of some entertainment in the midst of outlining for any one of our impending finals, we can just head to the nearest retail or grocery store.  It’s like the guy working the cash register is just waiting for us, scouring last year’s headlines or maps for interesting conversation topics.  We, apparently, just have the right combination of interested/confused/don’t-give-a-crap facial expression that encourages these conversations.  It’s not until we’re walking out the sliding doors that we look at each other and say, “What just happened?”

It’s better than going to a comedy club and cheaper than a movie.  If we have to pay 4 bucks to watch some 400 pound guy get half naked while reciting the 50 states, we’ll do it.  And we’ll have a new set of keys to boot.

Plus the keys will come in handy, you know, just in case we ever take a trip to the Everglades.

Just the other day we were walking through the student lounge discussing potential love interests.  When a slightly-above-average-for-law-school female was pointed out and it was suggested that I make a move, I responded:

“Dude, I’m in law school.  I don’t have time to stalk her.”

This led to a much longer than desired conversation about the creepiness of showing interest in a member of the opposite sex, to which I then responded with:

“It’s not creepy if they like it.”

…I think I’ve figured out why I’m still single…

This presents a dilemma for enterpreneurs looking to open a new business.  What hasn’t been done?  Well, it just so happens that on the corner of our block a very smart businessman opted for a Pharmacy/Deli.  That way, if you’re sick and need roast beef, you have come to the right place.  Penicilan and Ham?  Just down the street from Gina and Jon’s.  In light of our fondness for the Pharmacy/Deli, we were brainstorming about other combination businesses we might be able to open.  Some are obviously much more successful than others.  If anything, brainstorming about other possible careers when you’re in the middle of putting in ten-hour days in a library is a nice way to take the edge off. But then we just looked around town a little.

Here are some others we’ve seen:

Dance instructor/tattoo parlor

Mechanic/daycare

Restaurant/petting zoo (Kind of the Red Lobster idea)

Ice cream parlor/nail salon

Bookstore/DMV (You know you’re gonna be waiting)

Locksmith/florist (When you have to apologize to your girlfriend but she already changed the locks)

Yoga studio/Halloween store

Cell phone store/dating service (Can I have your number?)

Dentist/candy store

Investment bank/skydiving facility (In case you just lost your home)

Car rental facility/escort service

And, last but not least:

Blacksmith/wedding planner

No need to start fires making popcorn anymore

And that may be true.  We are bad at math.  But we’re not that bad at counting.  Here’s the breakdown of this year’s numbers:

Facebook friend requests received: over 100

Collective movies we’ve seen since law school started: 3

Number of times Matt has run home from Gina and Jon’s at 2 a.m.: 1

Pounds of books we lug around on a daily basis: 40-65

Boxes of crackers consumed at 2 a.m.: 4+

Bowls of chili still splattered on the walls at 2 a.m.: 1

Number of things we will mention in this post that happened at 2 a.m.: 100 million.

Days we’ve wasted spent working on projects that were ungraded: 10

Yoga sessions completed with inappropriate commentary: 2

Pictures taken of our adventures: 281

Restaurant kitchens ravaged: 2

Collective cases read: between 400 and 2,000

Highlighters used up: 13 (4 alone by Matt, who apparently likes to use all the colors of the rainbow for highlighting his case books, and does so so vigorously that his books look like a third graders’ water-coloring project gone terribly wrong).

Pumpkins carved: Barely 1

Aliens killed on Halo: Between us, about 15

Hours spent playing Halo: Betwee Gina+Jon+Matt=5; Nate=150

Boxes of beer that have cycled through our fridges: around 30

Celebrity encounters: 5

Packs of diapers purchased: 1

Awkward checkout clerk encounters: 3-4 [this will be explained in a later blog post, and is thus included here]

Fires started in the kitchen as a result of a cooking experiment gone wrong: 1

Amount of 1L survived: 1/3

I have a feeling I’m like 10 years late on this video.  Maybe it just came out.  Either way, some comments need to be made about it.

First of all, Bubb Rubb is right.  The whistles do go “Woo Woo!”  I do know what you’re saying Bubb Rubb.  I do know.    Additionally, the whistles may have a much lower “Whoop Whoop!” sort of tone to them.  As for Lil Sis, I just want to point out that she does in fact have the whistle tip on her car.  And that it’s only for decoration.

Also, Bubb Rubb makes a very good point:   In the morning you should be up cooking breakfast.  That’s a very good point I think.

Please make special note of when Bubb Rubb and Lil Sis get in their car to show off the whistle tip muffler and almost hit 3 different cars as they burn rubber and peel out through a narrow city street.  This occurs at about 1:50 in the video.  Rest assured, Bubb Rubb has complete control of the vehicle.  This was simply for dramatic purposes that he drive in such a fashion.

I hope that the city council of Oakland takes the arguments of Bub Rubb and Lil Sis into account when they make their decision on the whistle tip muffler ban.